if i can run in heels then i can drive
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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