I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
