i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
All the doctor said was why
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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