The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
