Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
