Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I AM VODKA MAN
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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