so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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