My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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