There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
