Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
So apparently I’m into choking now
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