he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
