I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
