I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
