this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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