i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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