he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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