hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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