the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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