At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
