Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
