omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
