so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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