I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
