OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
