Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
