As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
