i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
