just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
