Your dad touched me again.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
