Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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