woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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