So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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