Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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