I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
