It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
