omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
