Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I need moral support for this bender
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
