seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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