Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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