we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
