I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
