Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
