So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
false alarm. still invincible.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she told me i tasted like america
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
