so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
