I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
