Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
