I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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