got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
