He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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