I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
