I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
