You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
