You're my little dorito
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
