I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
